I screwed up very badly

 Yeah... I don't know what to do. It's 4:16 AM. Smoking on my back deck. I will need to dig super deep to chronicle the many many miracles since December 24. Words just can't describe what happened. I was told in December that I would suffer. I wasn't sure how that could happen, since I don't get into dangerous situations. 99% of my life exists within 200 feet of my apartment. In my prayer a few weeks ago, I expressed to the Blessed Mother the difficulty in chronicling this, especially since I'm always way too excited to work on my translation. An answer shot at me like a lightning bolt before I finished my sentence: listen to Danny Boy. Yes, I did that for several days straight in a state of fasting and resisting temptations that led to the miracle of January 13 and record rainfall in Los Angeles, where I live. And I knew that the crops would be good this year. It has been raining a lot ever since!!!!

So I'm befuddled. I'm stressed. She wants me to share these experiences. Remember my Leap of Faith declaration of 4 December? 40 days and 40 nights later, with not much of an advanced warning, I fulfilled a miracle that had me in tears for two days after. I got rewarded with a dream of green apples that had topological relevance, despite the fact that I never took topology. That led to the solution of the post-passive De v Par distinction a month later.  I also felt tremendous guilt since I thought a saint like Saint Don Bosco pleaded to give me more time for the miracle. I did not count the days until a month later. I did beat the time by finishing my obligation about an hour before sundown. I don't want to discuss this too much. Not right now. It was so crazy.  But maybe I should jot down the miracles to be discussed:

1. "Don't procrastinate" (8 December and 24 December). I'll then suffer. Well, clearly I have since I'm still backlogged on this miracle. It really shocked my body. I am a crazy worker on a freak level, and I never worked so hard in my life. I remained exhausted for about a week later.

2. December 29 was my last blog post. I was working on Proche v Près. Solved it on January 1. Then I showered after a few days of not doing so, since I'm in battle. Then as I'm showering, I get a solution from the Heavens that reduced all the partitifs and indefinites to about 10 classes. I think I had 8 classes that morning. And it came not even an hour after Pope Benedict had passed away. Then I heard the same Heavenly piano play in my dream that I heard on the morning of 10 December. I crossed myself with Holy Water from Lourdes that night, by the way. And no, the solution to Près versus Proche is nothing like anyone would imagine it to be.

3. I will have to dig through my notes for what happened after. I do know one night that I starved out at the coffee shop, on my last legs, eating really fast a pain au chocolat. My husband had to help me make bread for Saint Geneviève's Feast since I struggled to walk.

4. The miracle of January 13. I got the alert on January 9. It was the most surreal experience of my life. Then I got the Green Apples Dream.

5. Family got cursed on January 26. My brother can't walk. He's now in rehab for alcoholism. My mother has ovarian cysts, a heart valve that isn't working, polyps, two hernias. The moon that night was positioned the same as the moon on the night of 4 December - one whole cycle. That was drama in itself because my mom accused me of putting a curse on the family. I did not do that. She's now talking about going to church, I told her that I prayed for their health.

6. Speaking of which, I got a dream that was weird. I don't know the date, but it was a dream showing that my brother is Fallen, that he has no telos, so no matter the prayers that I do, nothing will save him except for himself. He needs telos to heal. That was wild.

7. Had a dream about getting gang raped by 6 hood guys on bikes by kids around whom I grew up. Well, they were trying to gang rape me. The ringleader asked me dirty questions.  Then the rest followed.  I screamed that I'm preserving my chastity.  And guess who showed up? The Blessed Mother. She blew a white fireball at them. Then they stopped, suddenly nice, like they had no memory of what they did, as if a demon had been driven from them - the Lust Demon.  Well, fast forward maybe 2 weeks later - I need to look at the dates - someone 10 feet from me was yelling at me at full voice. This is outside from where I study. I removed my headphones and expecting that he would hit on me, since no guy yelling from a car does this for benign reasons. I could not hear him... his voice was muted. I stared at him like a ghost for 20 seconds, went back inside, befuddled, then pieced what happened 30 minutes later. Crazy, huh?

8. Bought something from a seller in Italy. Told him to say Hi to Padre Pio. He asked me if I am a follower. I said that I am, that I saw a film on his life, after which I spat blood many times, and felt comforted since I knew he was there. Well, the next time I work on the translation, in a flash, I get a solution to ON, L'ON, and L'UN. It was spooky! ON has been my white whale for 9 years.

9. I should add that on 12 January, I asked my husband if he put my diary ribbon on my bed at the pillow. The ribbon came from my diary but my cat tore it off. It was in the hallway. And I'm kind of lazy, so I didn't pick it up. He told me No. That was a sign on top of feeling hugged for two or three days by the Blessed Mother, in fulfilling what I was asked to do.

10. I'm sure there are others. I log these on my Facebook as they happen. And they happen so often that it's just normal

And that was the craziest thing. You ever see these Unsolved Mysteries episodes on UFOs that leave asudden? The ones abducted believe that they will never see those again? Now, I don't believe any of that stuff, but I was scared on January 13 that I would never see the Heavens again. I was very sad - thankful but somewhat bitter.  Yet the Heavens never left me, evidently.  That was nice, but I was crying for two days, wanting to die even, like "Here I am, and now I'm gone.  See you when you die."

 11. Had a crazy dream that bothered me a lot about the End Times. It was surreal and seems theologically sound, since, when I last read the Bible over 20 years ago, I realized that what was written was nothing like, say, Evangelicals thought. It was crazy.

 Other than that, I'm a screw up. No idea why the Heavens trust me. I'm a loser and pretty stupid, and I should have been logging this stuff all along. I didn't. I lost my nerve in my pursuit of perfection. How would I have possibly captured what happened on 13 January? I just can't. That was just such a surreal, mystical experience. I can't do it. I know that I have to do it, but geez, like, it was just so out of this world, and I don't get spooked by things.  I have the nerves of steel.

 So maybe I should spend my Sunday logging these, and following the Blessed Mother's advice to listen to Danny Boy - a song that I haven't listened to much at all since January 13. I listened to it for about 80 hours on repeat that week. Maybe longer. I don't know. 

 I don't think I ever had to dig up so much courage in my life to write these accounts. My conscience is bothered. I'm failing. So that's that. I'm going to bathe, wash my clothes, and try to do my obligation today. So that's why I haven't updated anything in 3 months.  I'll also look for some numerical patterns because it could have been 13 days between the muted voice of that sexual harasser and the gang rape dream. Maybe not? I don't know. I don't know anything. This is a lot for me to carry within me. And that was definitely the case on 1 January. That day was a miracle from the Heavens. It feels like a huge responsibility.